On sunday after a heavy lunch, I usually force my legs to take a walk around the beautiful neighbourhood or just move around to stare angrily at other people, it helps my tummy digest easily, the bile that is.
This particular sunday I decided to walk to one of those hidden jewels of my neighbourhood, The Bay: it is so quite and serene that I want to move my bed there if those white people can adopt me. I get my flowery maxi dress (long simple dresses) my big chic sun glasses and start lazily leaving the house, of course by lazily I mean it took me 30 minutes to actually leave because of the Sun and her angry tendancies of late. I have lived here since “like forever” and I still haven’t gotten over the scenery, it is beautiful especially in the afternoon when there’s less human activity, just the lake breeze coming in and birds chirping away with no care in the world, lazy cats sunbathing and dogs mating away in the heat. I walk past Speke Resort Munyonyo’s entrance in a hurry because of how busy it gets on weekends to get to the road that leads to “The Bay.” A white Range Rover pulls besides me as I walk, I could hear her purr and I couldn’t help but turn but out of habit, I moved a side for the car to drive by, the car just kept up with my pace. I look up to see this old very wrinkle faced white man grinning(or rather smirking) with strangely ugly teeth at me, I just give him a blank stare under my big sun glasses and keep walking, he then insists that I get in, “the sun is being cruel to your pretty chocolate skin..” I tell him I am fine and want to be under the sun. He proceeds to inform me how the car is cool enough and I should just jump in and he takes me wherever I want to go. I turn, smile and politely say “I am comfortable walking, Thank You..” After all these months of the economy being cruel to me, the little devil in me went crazy: showed dollar signs, new bags, new shoes and new clothes, I ignored her, she is a bitch. This old man very wrinkled old man, decided I was playing hard to get and said ” Come into the fucking car you bitch, I will make it worth your while..” That really got me angry so I started walking away real fast, he drove besides me and started yelling “ALL YOU UGANDAN GIRLS ARE UGLY GOLD DIGGING WHORES, GET IN THE FUCKING CAR FAT BITCH!!” I decided to just walk on and ignore this raging white elephant in my space, then out of the blue the cute purring Range Rover starts growling at me and tries to run me over. I trip and fall onto the road side, my heart pounding and knees shaking, I almost pick up a stone to fling at it but before I could turn I hear it speeding away. I am too shocked to move, a strange sound comes out of me, something very unexpected. Instead of being angry, I am laughing so hard I almost pee in my pants. It was a shocking experience, that some strange man who tries to pick me up also tried to kill me with his monster car.
A message to you my old very wrinkly and racist assailant, just because some of you are used to dealing with whores doesn’t mean all Ugandan Women are the same. We are hard working women who want the best for ourselves, some of us actually sit through days with fire breathing demons for bosses just because we want to get somewhere in life through our own hard work not sucking old wrinkly dicks.
And you stupid gold digging women out there who have destroyed the humble and beautiful image of Ugandan women, I was going to politely tell you to happily buy shares in TASO but that’s a juvenile diss, I guess it is hard work sucking very old wrinkly dicks, you deserve the money, Yay you!