I recently realized that I have been way too hard on myself for the the past two years. See when I was 23 and off the “finding myself” high horse, I set some heavy goals for myself. I told myself that I would not be one of those girls that is just content with being seated at home waiting for everything good to come happen to me. I wanted more for my life than running to Daddy for everything I need even the little things. Of course that is what parents are for but only if you cannot provide for yourself, my Parents have always made sure that we get everything we want if they can afford to provide it for us.
I started off by stopping the self- pity, nobody else is going to work harder for you than you so if you sit there crying and waiting for good things to happen, you are doing yourself a disservice. I had been depressed about a lot going on in my life and threw a nice pity party complete with theme music to match. I would wake up in the morning, do house work at home and then lock myself in my room the whole day watching anime and ignoring my family. Mum of course tried her best, I think she was confused about what phase of life I was going through so she prayed and reached out. Nothing helped of course but along the way I slowly came out of the depression.
After that the goals were set, we had to have achieved certain things by the time we were a certain age. I was raised to believe that I can achieve anything I put my mind to, so I did that. I got a job and did several side jobs whenever possible just to get enough money. Within a year, I had moved out of my parents’ home and living alone. That was it, I was pushing myself even harder than I had ever done, not knowing how hard it was affecting my health. I wasn’t eating much, I wasn’t sleeping much either but I spent more time worrying about where the next job would be no matter how many I had at that time.
I hustled through, by God’s grace I have achieved a lot more than I ever thought I would. My parents remind me of how proud they are of me but in my head that hasn’t been enough. I wanted to make them even more proud, give them more than we could afford because they have been doing a lot for me since birth. Depression, such a good companion never too far to envelope me in that bottomless pit of despair.
One day when the doctor told me that my blood pressure was abnormally too high for a girl my age/ weight and that my kidney wasn’t doing so well either, it hit me like a solid rock wall. I needed to slow down, I needed to think more about me than the job. But if i slowed down who else is going to work hard for those goals I am pushing for? Depression , my old friend came through!
I have slowed down now, I am even more grateful for what God has done in my life. A few weeks back I was fussing about every tiny thing and not thinking much about how far I have come from that 23 year old girl. I hug my couch a little less now, I travel more, I treat myself when I can afford to and make sure that I can look more at the small things than rushing through life. I love myself way more than I did before, I appreciate the way God has moulded the woman I am becoming by the day. I pray more, I dance like the spotlight is on me and sing even louder than before. You see, I finally found my voice and its beautiful.
Breath, Live, Laugh and Love!